Murdoch vs. Spastics

Sun and McMuff

Image by Steve-h via FlickrWOW! I woke up to a sunny day, my little hamster McMuffin digging around in his house .. and I feel relaxed. Like all is well. This doesn't happen too often so I am really enjoying it. Gonna grab my camera and take a walk.

ALWAYS bring your camera when you go out. You might just capture an awesome moment.

Let it fly

Why don't you stop it? (Being anxious annoys people)

Image via WikipediaIs it annoying and frustrating that I can't just pull myself together and do something that terrifies me so much? Absolutely. It seems so simple, you see. And what are they gonna do? Hurt me? Laugh at me? Hardly. I have been on this planet for many years now and I have never met anyone who intentionally set out to abuse me for laughs.

Yet I am scared. I am one of the thousands (or is it millions) of people who suffer from social anxiety. I sometimes hear other people's voices going 'It's your own fault', 'You can just stop it whenever you want', 'It's up to you to sort it out, it's not my problem' and so on. Of course they're not afraid of giving the 'wow you're pathetic' look or shaking their heads at me (or anyone else with this condition). The head-shaking and then 'Oh please, get over it' look all add up to this: YOU need to stop this, YOU are being ridiculous, YOU are annoying me and making OTHER PEOPLE uncomfortable. YOU are a problem.

'When are you going to stop this self abuse? When are you going to become normal? When are you going to stop ruining MY life with this isolation and nonsense'?

I don't know.  I have not been dipped in anything special. I don't ask for the world to revolve around me.
Being accepted is what I need the most, not being blamed or accused or stared at . . . because being accepted is the most important thing in the world to me. Without it I have no chance of ever feeling like a human being.

What about you? You ever feel like your anxiety (and that means you in general, I guess) is a pain to be around and an inconvenience?

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I must bake bread

I'm back!

She's dead and she's rotten

Image via Wikipedia

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I was just watching this documentary about Mary Ann Cotton, the very infamous poisoner from County Durham. She's the one who has given name to the rhyme 'Mary Ann Cotton, she's dead and she's rotten'. I've been reading quite a bit about poisoners lately, mainly females because they seem to me more cruel than the male ones and also because poisoning people is very often the female murderer's preferred way of killing. Mary Ann Cotton killed several family members before she was caught in 1873.

A more recent infamous murderer is Marie Hilley who poisoned a couple of husbands and even her own daughter who luckily survived. There's also the case of Blanche Taylor Moore who poisoned people with arsenic. Her trial began in 1990 and she was sentenced to death by legal injection.

These women fascinate me. Our society usually think of women as nurturing and loving but having studied several murder cases in which the killer was a woman, I really believe that women can be every bit as nasty and evil as a male killer.
Perhaps sometimes even more so. 

If your family members and friends - people you are supposed to care about - mean absolutely nothing to you, you're absolutely evil. If people only have value if they are of some sort of profit to you and your goals, you're absolutely evil.

Female poisoners I have studied considered other people just that: Insignificant objects to be used and put away. Nothing more.

Making a bag out of a book!

Why I hate parties

I generally stay away from parties. I could write pages up and down about why it is so.. but it's easier for you (and me) if you just watch this mini vlog I made about the subject. Do you ever feel like parties can be a real pain?

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I have seen the Chupacabra

No, seriously.

I woke up this morning and heard a rattling noise from my kitchen.

As I came in there to check out the disturbance, I saw a Chupacabra making coffee.

He asked where I keep the sugar.

Cliff used to be great

I used to be a huge fan of Sir Cliff Richard. Unfortunately I have to say 'used to'. As I watched his performance today on the show 'Loose Women', I had to shake my head.

Cliff undoubtedly has one of the most amazing voices in the world. He has the capability to sing songs that get inside your head and heart and they remain there, like little drops of gold you won't ever forget. He was amazing, he was a legend. A true star in it's original meaning and not the sort of stars that are born out of the X-Factor shows. True talent is what he has. An amazing gift to captivate people.

He's somehow decided to call it quits - or put in other words make no effort to be great anymore. I can't help wondering what happened. Naturally some people won't ever like this guy. His music is just not the sort that they appreciate. I, however, was a massive fan. I had the DVD'S, the CD's, the books, the posters. All of it.
He grabbed hold of my heart with his voice and he has had a firm hold of it ever since. My mum used to be worried I'd never date cos I was so in love with Cliff! He's still got a good grip on my heart but in a more mature way. That's why it absolutely breaks my heart to see what is happening.

He was a rocker! I really hope that behind the correctness, the fancy Ascot outfit, the royal butt-licking and the new horrific idea of doing only cover songs, there is still good old Cliff that I so adore. He's so wonderful, has such a gift.

Go on Cliff, come back. I miss you.

When Cliff was fabulous:



Clip from 'Loose women' aired today:



I know Cliff's supporters are stone cold in their defense of him and I have felt
the wrath for sure - but in all honesty you have to accept the fact that just a few years
ago Cliff would have never sung out of tune and felt okay about it. He'd also not
duet with anyone who couldn't hold a tune.

It's sad. I hoped so much he would end on TOP like he so deserves.

My friends are lame

When a woman gets desperate…

Hair thinning VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

She thins her own hair!

I hate going to the hairdresser for two specific reasons:

1. Too expensive.
2. Social interactions make me scared (I have social phobia)

So what’s a woman to do? Well, I grabbed some elastic bands,
a comb and some sharp scissors and I went to work with my heart in my throat.

Result was okay. I didn’t want shorter hair, only thinner. I have terribly thick hair
and I really ought to do this procedure more often. It’s just a lot of work, especially
the cleaning afterwards.

Anyway, I have thinner hair for a short period of time. Mission accomplished

Technorati Tags: hair,thin,thinning,thick,cut,hairstyle,DIY

No wait

Yo! No wait, I gotta pee.

(10 minutes later) . . Okay I am back. I woke up this morning to a sunny sky but of course within hours it was pouring down with rain. I am beginning to wonder if that was all the summer we got, three lousy days in early July.
My son is off on holiday with his dad right now and they won't be back for a while. I am already feeling the sting in my heart (missing my boy) and it's only been one day LOL. I gotta man up, find some Viking courage.

Totally thrilled about the new Blogger design, it looks great!

Cliff Richard looked funny at Ascot

Silent joy

The kind you feel in the heart but don't necessarily express. Just a smiley face on the inside.

I went on a trip today to see a place where I once vacationed when I was 7-8 years old. My parents came along and so did my 11 year old son. It was just beautiful listening to my own parents tell my son stories about when I was a kid, go back memory lane and see the excitement and fascination on my son's face. He even took photos of this old, abandoned building that was once such a beautiful little cottage..
At the end of the day he said 'This was a great day'.

As a mum, I can't ask for more. Generations coming together, learning from each other. Lovely.

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Rebuttal begins

Defense rested it's case in the Casey Anthony trial today and the prosecution got started on rebuttal. It will be quite interesting to see the outcome of it all. I have believed right from the beginning that she is guilty of murdering her daughter - ever since I heard the interrogation at Universal Studios. I don't think there is any doubt.. but still interesting to follow what happens.

 

Casey Anthony

Watching the Casey Anthony trial.. the defence may rest soon. 

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Remember when you were carefree?

Oh man, I wish I could sometimes just vanish. Get away from everything so I can recharge my batteries and discover that person I was before I had to wear so many hats.. just plain me. I know she's in there someplace. She was able to smile and be somewhat carefree. Enjoy life. It's all drowned in worry and sadness and confusion. I really really need a break.

Peter Gabriel - Digging In The Dirt (1992)

Sunday morning greeting

Image via Wikipedia

Good morning, good morning, I hope you're having a good day. My Sunday has started out well, I feel rested and energized in and I might actually get my exercise done in a little while instead of postponing it throughout the day. I did that yesterday and surprise, I did not get my exercise done! It seems I am the kind of person who has to get my chores done in the morning or they will not be done at all because once my ass is glued to the chair,  that's it.

 I am really struggling with the diet, mainly because I eat out of boredom so I have to find some way to occupy myself instead of eating snacks and lots of things that are really bad for me. I'm going to start writing articles and blog entries more so that's one thing to keep me off the streets lol. I'm also trying to find a way to make my videos more exciting and for those of you who are not subscribed to my channel on YouTube, here is the URL: http://youtube.com/user/ gttlrs.

My videos are mainly about anxiety and depression but there are also just regular diary entries and some fun stuff so check it out. I better get going and get my exercise done as my ass already feels really comfortable in this chair.

Bye bye.

Casey Anthony trial .. and my diet LOL

Image via Wikipedia

Day 5 of the Casey Anthony jury selection and things seem to have sped up a little bit. I can't believe they spent 3 hours questioning ONE potential juror yesterday! By that speed the trial won't happen until 2014.
I couldn't sit through all of it today (I did yesterday) because honestly it's kind of rough to watch.. but I will definitely be watching the trial when it begins. By the way, I think Judge Perry is doing an excellent job.

It's been a weird day for me. I woke up - once again - at 6.30 AM and got up, was up for a few hours, then went to bed and slept until almost 3 PM !! How is that even possible after having slept the entire night? Weird. Now it's almost 10:30 in the evening here in Denmark and I am starting to feel sleepy again.

I am trying to keep up with my new diet, trying not to eat the wrong things and it's so difficult. I find that if I can't eat at night, I get really restless and don't know what to do with myself. I eat out of boredom for sure. I bought chewing gum today cos I thought it might help to have something in my mouth and it did help a bit but it also makes me hungry!!

Right. Sleepy time. Goodnight all :-)

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A dangerous place

   Okay I'm back home after having spent some days in the company of my kid. I'm back home. Back here..sitting alone in my chair, listening to the silence and wondering what to do with myself. This is always the case when I come back. Now what? For those of you who are unaware of it, I am a noncustodial mum, some people call it 'weekend mum' but I despise that title - I am a mum 24/7. I have good days and bad, admittedly mostly bad at the moment because I find myself somewhat isolated.

Sitting in an empty room is a bad place to be for someone like me who is inclined to become dramatic and hopeless; there's nobody on which to vent or lean my tired head. Danger, danger, big red danger sign for me. I need to vent, I need to cry and to have someone listen. I guess I am no different from anybody else in that regard.

Tonight is a bad night, anxiety ridden, ugly. No wonder I eat myself into oblivion. There's another thing I must stop. Comforting with food. But hey, when thoughts hurt.. and all that.

Over and out for tonight.

I made it ! I can smile now !

I gathered all my brave genes and went to the dentist today. Unfortunately they made me wait so I got more and more nervous as the minutes ticked away. Then a nice looking lady said my name and I followed her into the depths of Hell. Okay, it wasn't that bad. Actually my dentist was very non-talkative today.. I am guessing it's because it was right before lunchtime and she couldn't wait to get out of there! I heard her stomach roar quite a bit.

Anyway, she said 'So you chipped a tooth'? I said ' Yes I bit down on something hard' and she said 'Let's take a look'. And then she proceeded to fix it. It took her 15 minutes and I didn't feel a thing. The weird thing was that she didn't check for cavities and she didn't send me to the special 'Why don't you floss properly-lady'. What's that about? I believe.. this is just my suspicion.. that the whole dentist office has given up on me because I keep cancelling appointments due to my anxiety. So now they just figure 'Let her teeth rot, who cares'.

It's just a guess, of course. They might care. In any case I am so glad this is fixed and I can now smile very widely and talk freely again. I have been so terribly self-conscious during the past two weeks because I couldn't open my mouth without someone pointing out to me that my tooth looked funny.

I am one brave woman.

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Floss!

Image via Wikipedia

It's very important to floss. Trust me, I've now gone a couple of weeks without having bleeding gums and it really is a good feeling. I've also been using mouthwash and have brushed my teeth more often. Not that I was a pig about my dental hygiene before.. but I am better now.

It is, of course, out of total terror that I have started cleaning my teeth religiously. I chipped a tooth a couple of weeks ago and instead of making an urgent phone call to the dentist's office, I decided to keep my mouth shut for a while and fix my gum problems.

You see, my dentist has been telling me to floss more and I hadn't done it. I was way too ashamed to go back to the office and face the music. Or her wrath, more like it. So I said to myself  'F*** it, I am gonna fix my gums first'. So now I might stand a chance of not being yelled at.

My appointment is tomorrow at 12. I think I will make it through okay.

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Let's make one thing clear..

My Elvis hair-do.

I am an idiot. No really. I once had a rather successful blog here on Blogger and I one day decided - in all my foolishness - to close it down. I did it hardcore style, no back-up or anything. Then I made another one. And another one. Closed those too due to lack of readers. Naturally my reader base disappeared totally after a while but I still have itchy fingers, I have thoughts and feelings that need to come out. So I am opening up this new place and I am not even going to ask people to join and read my posts. That's right, just gonna write for me and try not to care about the number of readers, if any. This can be like my diary..

So welcome! Me :-)

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